Mirror On The Wall!
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty-four." Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" Again, there's a bright flash... and his legs fall off!
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well Sarah, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother. "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful four-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words has he been using?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset....Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride replied,"Oh, mama...words like dust, and wash, and iron, and cook..."
Bridge To Hawaii
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little tired of all of these Three Wish deals. So you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick so I can't take a cruise. Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there!" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete.....how much steel! No.... think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I 'don't care' and that I'm 'insensitive.' So, my wish is that I can understand women! To know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. To know why they cry for no reason. To know what they really want when they say 'nothing'. To know how to make them truly happy." The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." “What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage". The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you." Dad said, "Bring Susie over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block." Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Dad said, "Where's Susie?" Little girl said,"Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home”.
The queen of England was visiting one of America's
top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where
a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my god!", said the Queen,
"That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???" The doctor
leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry Your Highness, this man has
a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen.
If he doesn't do that five to ten times a day, they would burst and
he would most likely die instantly." "Oh, I am terribly sorry"
said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse
was giving a patient a blow job. "Oh my God", said the Queen,
"What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same
problem, better health plan."
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North." "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" "Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!" AND YOU THOUGHT THE ENDING WOULD BE DIFFERENT, DIDN'T YOU?????
JOKE OF THE WEEK!
This lady sits down on a barstool next to this young man. She asks him if he would like a hand job. He replies, "Yes!" She says, "That'll be fifty dollars." He says, "No thanks! No hand job is worth fifty bucks." She says, "Come outside with me, I want to show you something." So they go outside and she points to this beautiful Cherry Red Lamborghini. She says, "See that car? With the money I've earned from giving hand jobs I paid cash for that car." The young man says, " Well if they're that good I gotta try one." So he gives her fifty bucks and she proceeds to jerk him off. The hand job is absolutely blowing his mind. When she finishes, he just can't quit raving about how incredible it was. She smiles gets in her car and leaves. Two weeks pass and the guy is thinking, ".......if her hand jobs are that incredible I wonder how good of a blowjob she gives?" So he goes back to the same bar and meets the same woman. He asks her, "How much for a blow job?" She replies, "$200." He yells, "No way! No blow job is that good!" She once again asks him to go outside with her, and they drive to this huge mansion. She says, "See that mansion? With the money I made from giving blow jobs I paid cash for that." So the guy, not fully convinced, but remembering how good the hand job was, gives her the $200. So, she grabs his dick and gives him the blow job of his life. It's so good he can't believe it. He comes twice before she's through. She drives him back to the bar and drops him off. The next week the guy goes back to the same bar and sees her there again. He's thinking how she rocked his world with the blow job, so he decides he wants to try fucking her. So, he goes up and asks her, "Hey how much would it cost me to fuck you?" She replies, "Come with me," Once again she drives to her mansion. She takes him inside and opens the curtains of this huge window. She says, "You see that island out there?" He says, "Yes." She replies, "I could pay cash for that island if I had a pussy."
A man gets to his plane seat, and is surprised to
find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the
stewardess comes round, and the man asks her for a coffee, where upon
the parrot squawks: "and get me a whisky, you cow". The stewardess,
somewhat flustered brings back a whisky for the parrot, but forgets
the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately
drains its glass and yells "and get me another whisky, you bitch!" Quite
upset, the stewardess, shaking returns shortly with a whisky for the
parrot, but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man
decides to try the parrot's approach: "I've asked you twice for a coffee,
you cow, now go and get it or I'll give you a slap!" In a couple of
seconds, two burly stewards grab both him and the parrot, take them
to the emergency exit and throw them out. As they are ejected from the
plane, the parrot turns to the man and says "You know, you're awfully
cocky for someone who can't fly!!".
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country. She orders fried chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his butt. The woman watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The first country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for his sexual release. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds, she came upon a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle tree. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open, stripped off her clothes, and offered herself to him. As she lay down on the wild grass, Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain, she screamed "Why the hell did you do that?" Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."